Monday, January 9, 2017
Today is my first day back to work, signaling the end of my maternity leave. The weight of my grief is heavy, making it especially hard to breathe. I’m thankful that the familiarity of my job makes it easier to hide behind my busy hands. Inside I weep for the absence of the exhaustion that I should be feeling right now. The midnight silence is deafening. I would stay up a thousand nights and more for just one more day with my baby. Surreal …isn’t quite the right word for how strange and devastated I feel, sitting at my desk again without the bulging belly that held Merrick beneath my clothes. I feel anchored, yet lost…like the storm of grief is so strong that even though I am physically safe and secure, my heart and mind are miles away, searching for my missing piece. Rationality has tenuous roots in a mourning mother’s mind. I can only pray for strength to get through the next day, and then the next, and so on…I miss you so much sweetheart!