I Survived!

Monday, January 16, 2017
Well, I survived my first week back to work and am starting my second. It’s not any easier and I’m sure you’re not surprised. Over the course of the last week a thought occurred to me as I treaded the waters of grief. I should start calling grief, Grief, as in a tangible entity capable of physically harming a human. Because it sure can…and sneakily too for that matter.
I was putting Pierson down for bed one night and we’re going through our usual routine of picking out which book to read next. I grab one that we haven’t read in a while and no matter what it is he’ll say “no” and then he’ll sift through his book bin for one that is nearly losing its pages because we’ve read it so often. During one of these sifts, he flipped past the book titled, I’m a Big Brother; one of the books we had given him to start preparing him for Merrick’s arrival. Grief slapped me right across the face…hard. I thought, “At least Pierson didn’t pick this book to read.” The next thought was an even harder slap from Grief, “This might have been one of Pierson’s favorite books if Merrick had come home from the hospital. It doesn’t seem like he even remembers that there was ever a baby.” Ouch. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and let it out slowly, listening to the air leave my lungs, focusing on that until I could regain control of my emotions.
On a side note, both our children have been very much planned and anticipated. After Pierson turned two we felt it was time to start trying to make him a sibling. We both feel it is very important that Pierson not be an only child. We have nothing against only children. It’s just that we both have siblings that we love and couldn’t imagine living without. We started our family later in life than most and being parents of “advanced” age means it’s somewhat possible, if not likely, that we will not be around for a good portion of our children’s adult years. The thought of Pierson having to navigate his older years without the support of an immediate family saddens both of us. You may be thinking, “Having siblings doesn’t guarantee a loving support system.” I know that, but this is my story and in my la la land story everyone loves everyone, his life will resemble a Norman Rockwell painting where he’s best friends with all his siblings like I am with mine and that will be that! Period! Ha!
So anyway, back to the problem of the melancholy producing book. The inevitable and annoyingly (and lately repetitive) decision arose…do I remove the source of the pain or leave it. If I leave it, there is a strong possibility that Pierson will choose this book in the near future. He may even have a flash of memory, point to my tummy and ask about the baby. That will definitely sting. I left the book in the book bin in hopes that Pierson WOULD pick it. I would read it. I would cry. But I would get through it and feel better having had that interaction with Pierson as he remembered his baby brother. I can do this. I CAN DO THIS!!!

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