Wednesday, January 18, 2017
It’s not the first time I’ve heard it, but my boss just told me yesterday that he was so impressed by the eulogy that I wrote for Merrick’s funeral that he thought I should consider becoming an author. I’m seriously considering it. I’m not really sure what the main focus would be. I’d say my journey through grief, but I am trying hard not to focus on the negative of my situation. I guess talking about my life as I deal with grief isn’t necessarily negative, it’s just freaking sad most of the time. People have been telling me how amazing and brave I am for sharing my story on Facebook in the last few weeks. I don’t feel amazing or brave, but I do feel relieved after writing about my pain.
For instance, is it sad to know me now? I feel it whenever I walk in a room. People look at me differently. Or at least I perceive that they do. In some ways I feel like I’m the same as I was before Merrick died, but at other times I feel like my identity changed overnight. How long will pity be directly reflected back at me in the eyes of others? I mean, I understand it rationally. That’s the way I feel about it happening to someone else. I must have some deep seeded denial going on. There’s a little voice in my head that keeps repeating, “I couldn’t imagine going through that.” The thing is, it’s my voice I’m hearing. But this did happen to me. I can’t believe this happened to me. To us. The ugly truth is that I’m mad right now. I didn’t deserve this. Didn’t I give time to other people? Didn’t I give money to those less fortunate? Didn’t I live a generous enough life not to deserve this? It’s not fair. It’s not FAIR. IT’S NOT FAIR!!! I want to stomp my feet and hit a tree with a stick and scream until my voice cracks. Then I want to just curl up in a ball and cry until I can’t cry any more. Sigh. Nobody deserves this. No amount of generosity can prevent tragedy if that what God or fate has in store for you. But that doesn’t mean I have to like it. It’s raining outside. Maybe I’ll go outside and stomp in the rain. Somehow that seems like it will be more satisfying and cathartic. Hmphf! And then I’ll go apologize to the tree.
When I think about how to explain what I’m feeling it helps me to process the emotion and move forward. In a sense I’m answering my own questions about what to do next or how to feel about something. Most times just realizing that there is no answer to my question is the answer. The emotion just is what it is and my reaction is perfectly normal and fine…for me. Trying to compare my responses to tragedy with others isn’t going to help me with anything, even if they had gone through the exact same thing as I did. I am Laurel Space and I process things how I process things and there’s nothing wrong with that. See, it just happened again! That last sentence just came out and now I feel a teenie bit better than I did a minute ago…because it’s true. I don’t need to understand the psychology behind why I do the things I do and feel the way I feel. I just have to accept my path as my own, try with all my might to steer it in the general direction I want to go and hang on for dear life. Simple as that! Right?! Ha! Screw it! It feels good for now so I’m going with it. I don’t like that I’m going through this, but if someone out there can gain some measure of comfort from reading my story then it makes the sucky suck of my reality a little less sucky. I can deal with that.